Is sex better after marriage?

Published on 23 February 2024 at 10:45

The world will try to convince you that you need to "try before you buy" and that to have a lasting marriage and a happy relationship you need to know if you are sexually compatible before you get married. This thought process doesn't align with God's word and there are consequences to doing things our way but there is also grace and forgiveness in Jesus. There are a few different perspectives I'm going to discuss on this question and give some advice to help you make the answer yes. This question, however, does not appear to have a straightforward answer likely because humans are subject to their will, and the area of sexual intimacy and its success in a relationship is primarily based on the determination of the individuals involved. I hope to help provide some statistics but also some ways to make your sex life grow as the years of your marriage go on.

I experienced some sexual trauma as a child (which unfortunately is something about 1 in 3 women experience and about 1 in 4 men at some point in their life) which didn't put me off to a good start in my perspective on sex. In addition to that, I grew up in purity culture where I was strongly encouraged to save myself for marriage, which was a good thing but the perspective I adopted from the way it was taught was that sex was bad and shameful and so were all the feelings that went it. Then I got into a relationship with my now husband and boy was it hard to make the right choices, and honestly many times we didn't. a month before we got married, I started the birth control pill which destroyed my hormones and ultimately my desire for sex. Starting my marriage out this way put a lot of stress, and baggage on us and really made this area of our life feel like a bad thing, I definitely would not have believed someone who told me it was an amazing Gift from God that was really good.

So, is sex better after marriage?

Abstinence before marriage

There have been studies done on this that show people who save sex for marriage are more satisfied with their marriage and sex life than those who don't. The studies indicated that this is because, during the dating and engagement seasons of the relationship, the couple invests their time and energy into getting to know each other emotionally and building a foundation of trust in the relationship first without opening themselves up in the most vulnerable of ways. Sex also blinds a person's ability to make sounds and wise decisions because it creates an attachment not just through hormones but spiritually sex is a way of unifying a couple. There is also the element of comparison if a person has had multiple partners before they married their spouse. Sex is unobjectively better when it has a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy than when it is between people who just met.

Saving yourself for marriage should not be done however just in hopes of having an amazing night of ecstasy as that is a rare occurrence but rather out of obedience and respect for God, to honor and respect your spouse, and to uphold your body as a treasure and picture of Holiness for yourself, your husband, and God.

Better after 50 years together?

There were 2 studies done that showed there was an increase in the frequency that a couple had sex after being married for 50 years. All of the studies that I'm discussing here showed that after the initial honeymoon phase of marriage, the majority of marriages have a dip in the amount of sex the couple has however there was a trend of increased frequency with those who were married for more than 50 years. Couples who are married 50 years or longer tend to have more sex than those married 20 years by about 20%. I think this likely has to do with a few factors some of which I will discuss later but the increase I believe is in part related to intimacy deepening in general the longer you are together. Practice does make perfect especially when it is with the teammate you intend to play the game with forever.

How sexual desire changes over time

Sexual desire plays a fairly large role in the quality and frequency that a couple has sex. Many couples will have sex nearly every day in the first year after they are married but then there is a tapering effect until that 50th year of marriage. This is largely connected to women having a dip in their desire for physical intimacy with their husbands. Many factors play into this such as having children, work, the butterfly feelings, and honeymoon emotions fading, or personal factors that can cause stress with family and life circumstances. This is normal and happens with many women, I personally also believe that birth control may play a large role in a woman's drop in sex drive after marriage as a woman who waits until marriage might not start anything until just before their wedding and some effects take time to appear depending on the type and persons reaction. This doesn't have to be a sexy time killer though; it may require more effort and intentionality however intimacy is a choice and if you choose connection with your spouse, you will likely not regret that decision. You will also build your desire because of the hormones involved, to read more on that read this post: How often should you be having sex?

Monogamy does not equal monotony

Some people are concerned that having the same sexual partner for the rest of their lives will make things eventually become boring because of the same old thing. That however is not the case. Hormonally our bodies are designed to desire the same person more the more we have sex with them making it difficult to become bored with them because the desire doesn't go away. The other thing that I have heard several husbands say is "My wife is not the same person she was when I married her." Let me explain with my relationship as an example. Since my Husband and I have been married I have been an 18-year-old college girl, a NYC girl, a housekeeping director, a country girl, pregnant (twice), a mom, a homemaker, a blogger, a gardener, a Sunday school teacher, etc. the list could go on. Likewise, my husband has been a nursing student, a CNA, a grounds coordinator, built pole barns, an HVAC technician, an 18 College student, a biker, and a dad. If you continue to pursue your spouse and their heart they will change, and you will get to see all of that and enjoy all of the different people they are.

Frequency before and after marriage

Many people report having sex very infrequently and sporadically before they get married. This is because people are in and out of relationships and do not have the convenience of your partner living in your home with you. On the contrary, people who are married report regularly having sex on average 1-2 times a week, so married couples have sex more frequently and consistently than those who are not.

How to maintain a great sex life after marriage

Maintenance sex

One complication married couples face is differing desires for intimacy. By this I don't mean one partner wants sex more than the other, although it may look that way, I mean there are 2 different types of desire. I just learned this from this podcast episode, and it helped me change my perspective. There is receptive desire and active desire. Active desire is what you often see in the movies where the two people look at each other and just suddenly have a spark that leads to sex. Receptive desire is a type of desire that comes from making an intentional choice to connect with your spouse and the feelings then come a little later. Both spouses showing up consistently even if one of you isn't in the mood is important because it helps to build a stronger and healthier marriage that's one reason God commands husbands and wives to "not deprive each other" of sex in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. If you're the one not in the mood or feel too tired, etc. try spending a few minutes to get ready (brush your teeth, take a quick shower, do some Kegels, take some deep breaths, etc.). Then for just 5 minutes pursue your spouse and allow your spouse to pursue you and see where it goes. If you end up not being able to get the hormones flowing, then at least you can say you tried and if you are you will not regret it. The important thing is that you show up and choose to connect with your spouse and intentionally choose to invest in your marriage.

Prioritize intimacy

Make intimate moments outside the bedroom a priority, hold hands, kiss each other, stare into each other's eyes, and laugh together. there are lots of ways to pursue nonsexual intimacy with your spouse. For more ideas read this post: Ways to have intimacy without sex. It's also important to continue to date your spouse for this same reason. The health of your sexual relationship often reflects the health of the other aspects of your relationship so investing in all areas of your marriage is important. If you need some date ideas read this post: Free and inexpensive date ideas for married couples and for some tips to make your dates more meaningful read this one: How to fall back in love with your spouse, dating tips.

Have fun outside the bedroom

Having fun with your spouse will not only build your relationship but will also release oxytocin which is an endorphin also known as a pleasure hormone that is also released during sex and helps you desire your spouse more. Having fun with your spouse will build trust and comfort between the two of you as well as bring a joyful and relaxed atmosphere to your home and relationship.

Try something new

If you're starting to feel bored and want something different don't look to other people just, try something a little different with your spouse, don't be afraid to step outside the box and do something you never tried before. If you're uncertain about where the bible stands on this, I recommend listening to Francie Winslow's podcast Heaven in Your Home specifically this episode right here. If you're interested in adding some new tools to your toolbox this is a store by Christians for Christians Married Dance.

Talk about sex

When couples talk about sex they have better sex, that's because open communication is important. Expressing what you like or don't like in the bedroom helps your spouse know how best to serve and please you. Also, sharing things you want to try and your expectations for how often you want to come together helps your spouse know what they can do too. Check out these cards by Dear Young Married Couple to help make the conversation less awkward and even a little fun.

Foreplay

I want to take a moment and change the way you think of foreplay. Foreplay is often described and is thought of as the act of stimulating a woman's body to prepare her for penetration and I think that is a very shallow perspective. Francie describes it in this episode as a beauty celebration rather than preparation for penetration. This opens the door for so much more, it takes foreplay from a direct sexual act and expands it to be more a husband's pursuit of his wife's heart by studying her body, having eyes only for her, truly seeing her, and learning what helps her to find rest. This brings intimacy into the everyday and also widens your ability for pleasure. When you are being pursued in a tender and personal way that is serving and meeting your practical needs while making you feel at peace and safe you are more able to be open and relaxed when it comes to activities in the bedroom. She gives a lot of ideas on how to do that in that episode as well as this one here.

So, statistically, sex is better within the confines of marriage which makes total sense because that is the way God designed it to be, but that doesn't mean there will never be challenges like I shared from my experience. God is so good, and He cares about us so much I am so grateful for His restoration power. A little while back while enjoying a moment with my husband I was overwhelmed with the desire to Praise God for the beautiful gift of sex. I almost started crying at that moment because I never imagined sex could be that a good gift, I said to my husband with a little chuckle God is so creative to give married couples sex it was such a beautiful, funny, and emotional moment.