This is a question I often asked myself and if you're a tired mom or have had your hormones ruined by birth control you may be wondering the same thing.
A little background on my story:
My husband and I will be married 5 years in December. When we first got married in 2018, I went on the birth control pill because I just thought that that was what I was supposed to do. Well as a result of that my hormones responsible for my sex drive were destroyed. I know this is what caused a dip in my sex drive because before we got married it felt impossible to keep it distance and uphold boundaries in our relationship and after I started the pill, I have had very little desire for intimacy with my husband.
I have been off of the pill for 4 years now and have experienced somewhat of a hormone reset due to now having experienced 2 pregnancies and I still don't feel like my hormones have fully fixed themselves (if that's not reason enough for you to drop the pill check out these 2 posts, What is birth-control and should Christians use it and is it wrong to not want to have children).This led to a lot of tension in my marriage because my husband's desire didn't change but I suddenly had none, and it wasn't like I was just too tired I literally didn't have the right hormones to become aroused. The process to get to sex would the so long that most of the time I would become fraudtrated and emotional, and my husband would start to lose interest in working towards that. So, we both began to ask this question how often should we be having sex? Well, the answer is not black and white.
Effects of sex:
God gave sex to married couples for so many reasons far beyond just procreation and I'm going to talk about those here. Sex was given for companionship between man and wife, by this I mean unity and oneness. When a husband and wife become one flesh physically this also unifies them spiritually and mentally. Sex between a husband and wife who are desiring to love and serve each other puts them on the same wavelength so to speak and helps them go in the same direction. There is also often and emotional unity, in that each side is more tender to one another. Sex has also been proven to increase a person's ability to perform well in the workplace and be more productive, this makes your husband better at his job and a greater asset to your community as well as you a better asset to your home and family. When a husband and wife are having sex more often and are parenting from a place of unity this helps to also raise more stable children which intern benefits society as a whole as well. Not to mention if you're having sex often you and your spouse are likely to be more loving and flirtatious with one another which is also good for children to see in their parents because this paints a picture of what a healthy marriage looks like for the children.
Hormones:
During orgasm 3 main hormones are released: oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. These are 3 of the 4 feel good hormones. The nicknames these hormones often are given are the cuddle hormone, monogamy hormone, and the do it again hormone respectively. All the of these hormones are pleasure hormones that draw a couple closer to each other. Let's discuss each in detail.
Oxytocin:
When this hormone is released, it increases, sexual arousal, trust, and romantic connection between you and your spouse. When oxytocin is realized into the bloodstream it has what's called a positive feedback loop meaning the hormone then triggers a series of actions that tells the brain to release more of that hormone. Oxytocin has been proven to lower levels of stress and anxiety as well as increase relaxation and overall physiological stability.
Serotonin:
This hormone when released is known to improve memory, digestion, and sleep as well as help regulate body temperature and lower stress levels. This hormone when released in a man's brain causes him to see his wife as more beautiful this is where it's often referred to as the monogamy hormone because it is literally rewiring his brain to see his wife as the most beautiful woman in the whole world. How awesome is that! every time and your husband connect in this way he sees you as more beautiful.
Dopamine:
The do it again hormone is known to improve learning and attention, kidney function, mood, heart rate, movement, sleep, blood vessel function, and it helps you process pain better. This hormone is involved in reinforcement which is where it gets its nick name of do it again. When we experience something enjoyable, we are rewarded or reinforced with this hormone, its similar to giving your dog a treat when they obey, and this is why we want to repeat that action again and again.
So, let's circle back to the main question, how often should a husband and a wife have sex? I don't think the answer is a specific number of times a week or month but rather just often. It should be something both spouses make a priority in their marriage. There are so many physical, mental and emotional, as well as spiritual benefits to having sex with your spouse and the more often you come together the more you will want to too. This is why it's important to push through the tired feelings or other excuses you may be tempted to make and intentionally choose intimacy and connection with your spouse, even if that means you just try it and see where things lead, being open to sex with your spouse. If you need to try taking a few minutes before hand to go into your bathroom or bedroom freshen up and take a few cleansing breaths and then ask for God to help you and your husband connect with one another, God will bless your desire to connect with him and every time I have prayed and asked for God's help I have never been disappointed, this doesn't always mean my husband and I have sex every time but we are still able to connect and enjoy each other.
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