How I discovered that my comparison struggle was actually encouraging me to be lazy in caring for my home and ultimately leading to me dishonoring my family and God.
Background of my home and heart:
My husband and I bought our house November of 2021, it was built in 1870's and last remodeled in the 1970's and you can easily tell by looking at it. The walls are all lath and crumbling plaster which mostly is hidden behind paneling, most rooms have that brown foe wood look, the bathroom has blue "marble" patterned panels, and the kitchen has green foe wood looking paneling.
The kitchen had 1 upper cabinet and 1 lower cabinet (which has the sink so there is no counter space) both a cross between robin egg blue and seafoam green. The stove is also from the 1970's and its baby poop yellow. The bathroom sink is purple. The upstairs has wide plank pine floors (so not hard wood, soft wood and it's obvious by the damage in it dents, chips, and holes), the first floor although it has hardwood floors, they need refinishing badly and there are holes from the previous owner running Ethernet cables through it. There are very few outlets (there was only one on the first floor when we first moved in), and the way the walls are designed there is no room to install them; the only reason we have more than 1 on the second floor now is because there is a crawl space, we were able to run the wire through and let the boxes stick out into.
The porch when we moved in was covered in this hideous scratchy carpet that I have since torn out, and to top everything off all the paint is lead. It's far from beautiful and I struggled with that. We will have been in this home for 2 years this November and appearance wise there is not much work we have done to it, partially because of the lead and partially because of the expense. This led me to having a very difficult time with comparison, I constantly see other people's homes either through social media or in person looking beautiful and esthetic. The walls are all soft neutral tones or beautiful colors, they have nice tile bathroom floors, their living rooms and second stories/bedrooms have soft carpet or beautiful area rugs, if they have hard wood the finish isn't coming off and they don't have big holes or chunks out of it. They don't have drop ceilings with ugly foam tiles, and most importantly their paint isn't poisonous to their children and chipping off all their windowsills, door frames and doors. I became jealous of these beautiful homes and resentful of mine wishing we had stayed in our nice small 2-bedroom apartment or had the money and time to cut the whole thing right away and refinish it. As a result of my heart attitude toward my home I, without realizing it, didn't want to care for my home. I was ungrateful for it and really didn't want much to do with it. I thought it was useless to clean a home that still looked terrible even while clean (in my opinion) and so why put in the effort and time.
The mindset shift:
I then heard a podcast episode on comparison by Girl Defined and began to realize my error. I began to remember that God has given me this home and that each one of us is on a different timeline. I learned that the purpose of caring for a home is not so it looks beautiful and can go on a magazine cover but rather to create a place that welcomes the presence of God and creates a soft of comfort and safety for my family and those who come to visit. Sure, a perfectly remodeled home can in some ways help with that but that is only a fraction of what is involved. I began to be grateful for the few cupboards because it forced me to declutter and be less wasteful which intern made washing dishes easier and less stressful. Decluttering my kitchen led to decluttering the rest of my home helping me to be less overwhelmed. Having a home that is less than beautiful has reminded me that God is not concerned with the appearance of something but rather is about what is on the inside and in terms of our home that is the people and the atmosphere created there. Being in the process of learning not to compare to others has also helped me find so freedom from the pressure to look and act a certain way as well. I always thought I didn't care about others' opinions, but I've realized that was only a surface level thing, deep down there were (and often still are) many things I find myself trying to do for the approval of others. I had to learn that this home and taking care of it has nothing to do with what God has given others but rather serving Him and my family with what He has given me.
I have to continually renew my mind to look at my home the way God does and to also look at my role as a homemaker and gate keeper they way He does. When I do that, I am able to better serve God, my family, and guests in my home with an attitude of gratefulness and joy rather than embarrassment and disappointment. This is something I should probably start my day with, a prayer asking God to help me to see my home the way He does and to protect my heart from bitterness but I'm just now realizing, as I write this, that this is something I have slipped back into over the last couple months it's not just pregnancy fatigue and soreness that keeps me from taking proper care of things.
God calls us to do all we do to His glory, that means doing the best we can with what we have not doing the bare minimum and then making excuses to justify the rest. God knows our hearts even better than we do and we need to be humble when he brings something ugly out of it. This is part of being molded into the image of Christ.
I dream of one day having a beautiful Victorian style farmhouse and that might happen but right now is not the time. God knows that if he had given me that right away there would be some important heart work that got missed in me, so I need to be patient knowing God has us in this place and situation for a reason. I need to press into Him and let the yucky stuff come up and out of my heart so I can be truly grateful for what He has next for me and my family. I need to embrace the home I have, care for it as best I can with what I know and the skills I have and rely on the Lord for the rest.
This is so hard to do, all I want to do some days is feel bad for myself that I'm not where I want to be but that is not what God wants me to do. He wants me to get over myself and celebrate that I have a home that is often filled with laughter and snuggles. Be grateful that I have a large enough space to have 30 people (although a little cramped) over to celebrate my daughter's birthday or to eat thanksgiving dinner together.
God has a plan and a purpose for everything we experience in life. Many times, that is a lesson we need to learn to become more like Christ, a molding we need to experience to be shaped into His image. These are opportunities to renew our minds and remember what we are truly in this earth for, to know God and to make Him known, to love God and to love people. You don't have to be perfect to do those things but rather let those things make you more perfected.
I hope you were encouraged by this post and maybe your heart and mind will change some too.
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